This Is What The Auto Industry Should Do!!

Imagine: The End of the Woosificiation of American Business:

By C. Edmund Wright

There must be something in the water in the Senate Hearing Room. All kinds of incredible people appear there and become shrinking violets as they get lectured to by a group of politicians far less capable than almost anyone they interrogate. Last month, Henry Waxman practically got Alan Greenspan to disavow free markets.

And the past couple weeks, we have seen three of the CEO giants of the world turned into pouting panting beggars scared of their own shadows. The sad part is, their whimpering and capitulation could lead to devastating forces being unleashed across our entire market system.

I think I have a solution to this. Close your eyes and imagine that one of the auto CEO's did the following this week in the Senate in his opening statement:

My name is Alan Mulally, and I am chairman of Ford Motor Company. I am here on behalf of the employees, stockholders and vendor partners of Ford Motor Company. I am also here on behalf of the name Ford itself, one of the great names in world manufacturing history. I follow in the footsteps of great and bold men like Henry Ford. Men who literally changed the world with their vision, passion and genius.

And in that spirit, I want to make it clear that I am not here on my own behalf. I have been a corporate CEO for a while, and as such, I am personally filthy stinking rich. So any idea that I am here - or should be here - with hat in hand is patently wrong. My kids and my kids' kids and my kids' kids' kids are all already taken care of financially. 

I am here on behalf of millions of others not in that same boat. Look, it is important for you to know that you cannot hurt me. If that offends you, so be it. Let this hearing be about the people I mentioned above, not about my spending habits or about your egos, large as both entities are.

I also want you to know that I did indeed fly here on one of the Ford Corporate jets. It was the nicest damed jet we have in fact.  And we flew fast.  I did not have the time to drive from Michigan, let alone in one of those ridiculous hybrids you have forced us to make. I did not have time to fly commercial and go through all your government mandated politically correct bogus strip and shoe searches in case some 88 year old white lady plans to ram the plane into the Washington Monument. 

Ford board members long ago did cost analyses of our executives and figured out it was in the best interests of our company and our stockholders to have our top business people efficiently flown around the world on their own schedule and that of the company.  We face many problems as a company, but corporate travel is not among them. Everything we do, from the assembly line up to executive travel is modeled on time efficiency.

And frankly, I don't care to be interrogated by public officials, many of whom have never turned so much as one dollar of private enterprise profit in their entire life. Some of you, in fact, flew here on military jets on the tax payers tab and since I know that, I care not a wit what you think about my decision to take a corporate jet down here. You are just grandstanding for the cameras anyway.  Taking the corporate jet was a prudent business decision, something people in Washington cannot define, let alone duplicate.

And while I'm at it, let me state in no uncertain terms that the reason the auto industry is messed up is the same reason the mortgagae and housing industries are messd up: YOU. That's right. Congress. You have messed up all of these industries and put the entire nation's economy at risk as a result. You recently admitted you could not run your own damned dining room, and now you want to tell us how to run the auto industry? Based on what exactly?

For decades, you have put rules on how we must pay our people, rules on what kind of products we can make, rules on how we must maintain our facilities, stock our toilet paper and just about everything else. You have done this to countless industries around the nation and only the genius and hard work of entrepreneurial America has over come your gross incompetence and kept the economy going.

Well guess what? Finally, with Fannie, Freddie, four dollar gas and all of the carnage that those things have wrought on the economy, your mistakes have recently surpassed the ingenuity of the American people in size and scope. Why do you think the markets are tanking? People understand the pooch is screwed now, thanks to you.

That's right. Government has gotten so big and so intrusive that its incompetence is about to topple over the whole enchilada now. You are now about 40% of the economy, and when 40% of something is a cancer, it is doggone hard for the other 60% to keep everything going.

Look, we all know the role Franklin Raines and Jamie Gorelick and Janet Reno and Bill Clinton and Chris Dodds and Barney Frank had in the disasters that are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Who are we kidding here? The history is clear.

We also know the role government has had in dictating to us our labor costs and our fuel efficiency standards. You have been running our businesses for decades, and now that it's obviously broken, YOU want to be the ones to fix it too? That is a ludicrous plan, and I do not intend to insult the hip hop artist with that choice of words.

We have submitted our bail out requests and our plans to make Ford work as a result. I have no idea that it will work, but until you take your noses OUT of my business, I cannot save it. Leave me alone, and watch us soar. Take your pick.

Like I said, I really don't care. I am already rich. But if you don't leave us alone to run our own businesses, a lot of really good people who are not rich will suffer. The entire nation will suffer. But do as you will. I have already offered to work for a buck a year. Did I mention I was already rich - and that I personally do not want or need your money?

If I quit Ford or get fired by your mandate, I'll just go buy my owned damned jet if  I want to. Thank you for your time. You have my plan. If you need me, hit my blackberry. The tarmac is calling, Ford One is heading back to Michigan. Go Wolverines. I am outta here.

Of course, none of the big three CEO's will do this. But just imagine what would happen if they did? It would be a fabulous Pandora's box of common sense ripped open. The CEO would be fired, but of course would have almost every other company on the planet begging for his services right away. The Senate Hearing room would forever be made benign. And free market capitalism might just have a small pulse left.

Imagine.